Thursday, April 11, 2013

Sayonara, Facebook

Well, today's the day.  I've been contemplating this for some time and I think I'm really going to do it.  The idea has been tumbling through my brain for months, but I’ve not been able to pull the trigger.  Something keeps me enticed. Something keeps me hooked.  Something keeps me coming back for more.  And like other addicts, every time I come back for more, I experience a bit more anxiety and leave feeling a bit empty.  That is not a good sign.  That is a bad sign.  So, I must do what I need to do: deactivate my facebook account.


YIKES.

Seriously friends, I have debated this longer than I debated which college to attend (although that’s not really saying much).  It's facebook, not the world.  I'm pretty sure that I won't fall off the face of the Earth if I deactivate my account…but it kind of feels like I might.  It feels like I might lose something, and not know where to go to find it. 

Panic rises in my chest when I think about deactivating my account because I’m afraid of losing you.  I’m worried about missing the photos of your incredibly adorable kids and watching videos of your incredibly adorable puppies.  I’m might miss that one article or that one video that was ‘going around facebook’.  And don’t even get me started on the fact that I’m going to miss wishing you ‘happy birthday’. (Okay, who am I kidding—I’m terrible at acknowledging birthdays on facebook.)  But I do like lurking in the facebook shadows of your beautiful homes and peeking in on the creative projects and gorgeous birthday cakes and amazing party favors that you create. 

But, all this watching and looking and noticing makes me a little agitated and less okay with my own home and our own projects and our cakes and parties.  Which is weird to me because for the majority of my life, I always took pride in being a little different. And while rationally, I know that all of our stuff is perfectly fine I don’t feel particularly fine.  For me to feel fine, I need to notice things with my own eyes and think of things with my own brain and create things with my own hands.  Copying yours and pasting to mine is not really working for me.  

If you’re familiar with The Five Love Languages you’ve heard that five main love languages exist (Positive Affirmation, Physical Touch, Acts of Kindness, Gift Giving, and Quality Time) and all people tend to speak one primary language.  For me, I’m a “Postive Affirmation” kind of girl.  I’m a “praises work better than raises” person.  I’m still the little girl in kindergarten, trying so hard to earn that gold star, trying to be friends with everyone.

In a sad way, facebook gives me this.  I have lots of “friends” (400+!).  I can’t remember a time in real life when I had 400 friends.  People “like” my posts (and sometimes they even comment when I make them witty) and sometimes people “like” my photos.  This is connecting with my love language—I’m getting that positive affirmation.  But then, just as quickly as I received it, it’s gone.  Poof.  All that’s left is a heartless computer screen staring back at me; no eyes, no thoughts, no connection.  Just endless links and ads and articles that entice me and drag me around the internet like a parent tugging their toddler through the aisles of Target.
 
This spring, I want to let go of the hand that’s dragging me around. I want to get out.  I don't want to log in.  I want to take more deep breaths and read more Anne Lamott and Brené Brown and get the hell off the internet. I want to notice and think and create.

Maybe I'll notice more about my own adorable child, think more about the deep stuff.  And maybe I’ll allow myself to think about the not-so-deep-stuff too, (like why the hell they can’t figure out how to make Elmer’s glue caps that actually work).  Maybe I’ll create conversation and connect with my husband in the evenings, instead of pulling out our separate laptops and sinking into our own little cyber-worlds; worlds apart in the same living room.

The real life connections, those are the ones I’m looking to strengthen again.  I’m looking to connect with my creative and thinking side, and also with my real-life-friends.  I want to have more face-to-face connections, interactions, and conversations.  I want to have a real life discussion, volleying live conversation and thoughts and feelings back and forth like a tennis ball.  Giving and receiving, giving and receiving.  Not just posting and ‘liking’ and posting and ‘liking’, asserting my presence via cyber world.  My hope is to reconnect by disconnecting.

And when I feel better connected (maybe after three days or maybe after three months) I’ll log back in and cyber connect again.  If you want to cyber-connect with me, keep peeking in on Sphanville via this blog or on Instagram, because for now, I’m saying toodle-oo to facebook. 
Sayonara~ 

3 comments:

  1. I've been contemplating this too. I don't want to miss out on things, but I hate that it's a time waster. I think I might institute a 'weekend only' policy.

    Instagram is way cooler than Facebook anyway.

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  2. Welcome to the club:) It's been a little over a year and I've survived, so I'm sure you will too. Problem is I've gotten on Twitter & Instagram to feed the craving I guess you could say:)

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  3. Funny you post this. I deactivated my account on April 1st. So far only a handful of people have noticed and I don't miss it! Just goes to show it was not worth having. Maybe someday when I have hours of spare time to waste I'll get back on and check it out. Also, read the post on C's set back with overnights....hope that's going better. We JUST started Brayden potty training over the weekend. So far so good, going as I expected, a few accidents here and there but MUCH better than when I tried a few months ago. Yes, I have a 3 year old I'm training but I'm so happy with his progress, I'm glad we waited, so much less stress!

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