"I wish you could have been there for the sun & the rain & the long, hard hills. For the sound of a thousand conversations scattered along the road. For the people laughing & crying & remembering at the end. But, mainly, I wish you could have been there."
I read it and my heart-literally-flip-flopped. My breathing became ragged and tears welled up in my eyes. The Universe had sent me the perfect piece of art-- describing exactly how I felt about losing these pregnancies---these hopes and dreams for our future. I just wish they could have been there. It's as simple as that.
My mom immediately noticed my tears and I mumbled that I had to buy this thing off the internet. She took one look at it and (while tears began trickling down her cheeks) insisted on buying it for me. It was that perfect.
As we filled up the remainder of the week with activity after activity, I momentarily forgot about the artwork. Charlie and I returned to Grundy and spent a couple days with Mason before he left for his fishing trip. I was incredibly jealous because he and his longtime friend were fishing in northern Wisconsin and spending their evenings at the Spahn cottage. As I've mentioned before, this cottage--located at the very tippy top of Wisconsin, placed on a serene lake and dwarfed by towering evergreens, is most definitely my "happy place". And since we all know things haven't exactly been happy lately, I desperately wanted to be there. And if I couldn't be there, I at least wanted Mason here, taking care of me like he does so well. But I also knew that he should be there, to have some reprieve from what's been going on here, to have his mind on fishing and little else (maybe some golfing too).
I have to admit that I was nervous about being alone for five days. Of course, I knew I could handle it-- and have, plenty of times before. But I just didn't quite trust my emotions. I still felt pretty fragile and I couldn't quite loosen my grip on the Kleenex box just yet. I wasn't sure that I could devote a full five days to Charlie without someone helping me out and providing some distractions. I wished I didn't have to be alone. I wished someone would cook for me. I wished someone would offer to play with Charlie. I wished someone would call just to chat. I wished I wasn't so hormonal. I wished I wasn't missing Mason so much. I wished, I wished, I wished.
And here's where that sneaky Universe came into play. Without even asking, I had so much support during that week. People stopped by, people randomly texted happy things, and I received a sweet card in the mail. One night, while we were at the pool, we ran into a friend who invited us over for pizza & sandbox play the following night. Another night, a coworker asked if she could stop by with her kids to swim and then have dinner together. A third night, another friend drove up from Des Moines with her boys to spend the afternoon and evening with us. We played, pooled, and farmer's marketed, before they headed home. On top of it all, Charlie completed his first week of swimming lessons! At night, I sat on the deck and wrote and wrote and wrote (and stared at the sunset and then the lightning bugs). I thought more, I cried less, I loosened the grip on the Kleenex box.
And somewhere, in the middle of that crazy busy supportive week, my Brian Andreas print was delivered to my doorstep. It was just as perfect in real life as it was on the internet and so are those words, "But mainly, I wish you could have been there."
|Nestled among our family photos|